


Gloria in Excess is Hell No

by puff22_2001



Series: The Cook, The Handyman, His Wife (They're Lovers) [4]
Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parenting, Bisexual Character, Christmas, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Holidays, M/M, Polyamory, Reconciliation, depending on how awful you find Al and Gloria
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-24 16:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30074952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puff22_2001/pseuds/puff22_2001
Summary: When Linda's parents come to visit for the winter holidays, Linda has to confront some unpleasant truths. In defending Bob and Teddy, Linda learns that familial love is complicated but can be so much more than what she's had so far.
Relationships: Bob Belcher/Linda Belcher, Bob Belcher/Linda Belcher/Teddy (Bob's Burgers), Bob Belcher/Teddy (Bob's Burgers), Linda Belcher/Teddy (Bob's Burgers)
Series: The Cook, The Handyman, His Wife (They're Lovers) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2197755
Comments: 8
Kudos: 6





	1. The In-Laws Are On the Outs with Bob

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda wears Bob down in planning a family visit. Everything will be great--really!

“No.” Bob’s voice was flat and unyielding. Linda’s nerves were already shot, and they’d only just begun to discuss the topic at hand. That didn’t bode well for a happy compromise.

“Come on, Bob! They’re my parents! It’s the holidays!”

“We don’t have room.” Bob flipped a burger expertly even as he argued with his wife. Although she didn’t tell him often enough, Linda was always impressed with Bob’s cooking. Right then, however, she was just too annoyed to give compliments. She scowled at Bob through the order window.

“We’ve had them over before. We’ll just move Louise in with Tina for the visit.”

“Why can’t they go to their friends’ like every other year?” Bob groaned. “Or stay with Gayle for once?”

Linda huffed in frustration. They’d had this exact same argument before. “Gayle has a studio apartment. And they can’t stay with the Madisons because Abe is having knee surgery the week before Christmas.”

“You really want to share one bathroom with seven other people for multiple days?”

“It’ll be fine!” Linda waved a hand in dismissal. “Besides, I’ll enjoy having my parents around for Christmas. We can do family things!”

Bob sighed and Linda knew that she was winning. Bob didn’t like her parents but he loved her enough to put up with them--on a limited basis.

“Come on, Bobby!” Teddy said from his seat at the counter. “It’ll be nice for Lin to get to spend time with her folks.”

“Thank you, Teddy.” Linda replied with a smile at their boyfriend. Teddy usually tried to be a neutral party in arguments and the Belchers, knowing his past, tried their hardest to not put him in the middle. Teddy spent his entire childhood refereeing between his parents; Bob and Linda wouldn’t make him do the same for his partners.

All the same, Linda was secretly pleased that Teddy agreed with her.

“What about Teddy?” Bob said as he handed Linda the plated burger. “We haven’t told any of our parents yet.”

“My parents are swingers, Bob. It’d be pretty hypocritical of them to make a fuss.” Linda gave The burger to Teddy and smiled wider when he brushed her hand as she put the plate down. He was much more physically affectionate in public than Bob. It was nice how they complimented each other: Bob’s rare gestures of emotion were like lightning, while Teddy’s constant touches were the downpour. Linda hadn’t liked the rain so much in years.

“Is this really that important to you?” Bob asked, peeking out of the order window.

Linda considered for a moment as she leaned on the counter to better face Bob and Teddy together. She loved her parents, demanding and rude as they might be. Bob had more than once pleaded with Linda to stop caving to her family’s requests, but Linda always felt so guilty if she didn’t help them out when they called. She was really the only thing holding them together.

Teddy’s therapist would probably have a field day with Linda Belcher.

“Yeah, it really is. I don’t want my parents staying at a hotel. They can’t really afford one and I want the kids to spend more time with them.”

Bob didn’t answer for a moment or two. Their children didn’t have much of a relationship with any of their grandparents. Linda  _ did _ know that it was probably hopeless to try and force a bond. Still, she didn’t want to look back in twenty years and remember that she didn’t even try.

“If it would help, I could crash somewhere else for the week.” Teddy offered up timidly. Linda patted his hand and shook her head.

“I’m not ashamed of you, Ted, and neither is Bobby.” Linda was gratified at the grin that spread on Teddy’s broad face at both the declaration and the nickname. “Like I said, my parents won’t have a problem with us.”

Bob closed his eyes and sighed deeply through his nose. Linda had won, she knew. She barely managed not to gloat immediately.

“Fine. They can stay with us over Christmas.”

“All right!” Linda exclaimed and pumped a fist into the air. “Don’t worry, Bob, this'll be great.”

“Well, you get to be the one to tell Louise that we’re taking over her room.”

“...Crap.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here's the start of another fanfiction because I clearly have a new hyperfixation. Also, the holidays sucked hard last year and will probably not be great this year, so I'm self-medicating with writing. This one might take longer to write if only because I don't have as much of an outline as I did for "Teddy in Bob's Heady." That story had been percolating in my head for years, while this one I'm basically writing fresh from my delightful pink walnut.


	2. The Airport Has Itch Cream, Al

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda picks up her parents from the airport. She also starts to doubt her enthusiasm for a family holiday.

Of course Linda was the one to pick up her parents from the airport. It made more sense logistically--and emotionally. Bob would lose his mind trying to keep his mouth shut on the drive back if Linda wasn’t there as a buffer. Besides, Linda wanted a chance to explain her and Bob’s change in relationship without interruptions. Or at least fewer, as Gloria would no doubt want to chit-chat herself.

Linda was pretty confident that everything would be just fine. Al and Gloria could be difficult, sure, but they loved Linda. They might not love Teddy immediately as they weren’t overly fond of Bob, but Linda didn’t see any reason to worry that they’d disapprove. Not when the whole town knew and her parents weren’t entirely monogamous themselves.

Linda grinned in anticipation as she waited on the other side of the security barrier for Al and Gloria to appear. Although the Belchers visited her folks every spring, it would be really nice to see them around Christmas. Linda enjoyed Christmas so much, so getting to spend it with her entire family would be a rare treat. They’d even endure Gayle over the visit, if only so that she could see their parents as well. Linda had some misgivings about that (considering how badly Gayle got on with Al and Gloria generally) but she was determined to make it work. She was the peacekeeper in _her_ family, too.

Linda spotted her mother and waved with excitement. Gloria looked annoyed and was talking to Al beside her, though Linda couldn’t hear her from that distance.

“Ma, over here! Hey, Ma!” Linda yelled, oblivious to the peeved looks of the other people around her. Gloria finally saw her daughter and smiled as they left the secure area.

“Linda, there you are!” Gloria hugged Linda tightly, then turned to her husband. “Al, I told you that Linda would come alone.”

“Huh?”

“I said, Linda is here!” Gloria shouted at her husband. Linda _did_ take notice of other people then and smiled sheepishly back at their glares.

“Come on! We need to go get your luggage and then we can get going.” Linda gently took her father’s arm. He was shedding skin flakes pretty badly. Al never could remember his itch cream on trips.

“I told your father you’d pick us up alone. I suppose _Bob_ didn’t want to come.” Gloria sniffed in scorn as they walked towards the baggage claim.

Linda’s smile thinned. “Bobby had to watch the restaurant, Ma. He’ll be happy to see you, too.”

“I doubt it.” Gloria said and sniffed again. Linda didn’t force the issue; they were running a little late already due to flight delays and Linda really did want to get to the car so that she could talk to her parents in peace.

“Well, let’s get your bags and then we’ll be on our way.” Linda said as cheerfully as she could manage. She didn’t like when her mother insulted Bob but she didn’t have time to defend him right then. Linda deliberately ignored the little voice in her head that pointed out that she _never_ seemed to have the time, in all the years that she’d been married.

Claiming Al and Gloria’s luggage took longer than Linda would have liked and Gloria spent the entire time complaining about the flight. Linda tried to pay attention but she also had to get them through the airport without her parents wandering off in distraction. When they finally made it to the car in the free parking lot the farthest from the terminal, Linda was exhausted.

“You still have this car?” Gloria asked as Linda put the bags in the trunk and then helped her father into the back. “When are you going to get a better car, Lin?”

Linda sighed softly. They’d had this exact same argument before. “This car runs fine, Ma.” It didn’t really, but it ran well enough to get around their small seaside town. Even though the restaurant was doing better that year and Teddy added a third income to their household, they all had too many other expenses to justify buying a different car when their current one worked for their purposes.

“Well, I think you should get a new one. I saw this really lovely sedan in this magazine…” Gloria continued as she got in the front passenger’s seat. Linda stood a moment on the driver’s side as Gloria kept talking, completely oblivious to the fact that Linda probably couldn’t hear her.

Linda was starting to regret organizing this visit. Still, she loved her parents. She’d tell them about Teddy and they’d be excited for her. Al and Gloria would be nicer to Bob. They’d all make gingerbread houses and go caroling and do all those sorts of family things so that the kids would have good memories with their grandparents. Linda wouldn’t be a bad daughter or mom or wife.

She was Linda Belcher, the Queen of Christmas, and she would make this visit magical--even if it killed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little worried that the first few chapters of this story are very short, but I want to get them out as efficiently as possible. I go back and reread every chapter before posting so hopefully things aren't too bumpy. Also, I suspect that this tale is going to be fairly long anyway.


	3. Linda is Head Twitch in Charge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda tells her parents about Teddy. Things don't go as well as she'd hoped.

“So, Ma.” Linda said during a lull in the conversation as they drove. Gloria had finally wound down complaining about the trip so far and Linda saw an in. They were only minutes away from home and she hadn’t yet told her parents about Teddy. “I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?” Gloria asked as she stared out of the window. Linda glanced back at her father and found that he was asleep. That was probably fine; Al would go along with anything that Gloria told him.

Linda took a deep breath. “You remember our friend Teddy, right?”

“Who?”

“Teddy, our handyman friend.” Linda continued. “He helped get Bob out of the crawlspace that one time.” That had been an adventure, all right! Bob often used that chaotic visit as a reason not to have her parents over more. Linda wasn’t proud of how she’d acted then but she just wanted things nice for her folks. It wasn’t like  _ she _ knew that they’d spend the entire visit arguing and having to deal with a crisis.

“Oh yeah. The big fella.” Gloria sounded bored and Linda tried not to take offense. Her mother was set in her ways and it wouldn’t do any good to get annoyed, especially not now.

“Well, things have changed a little.” Linda’s courage was failing. She really didn’t think that her parents would have a problem with Teddy--really! But she wanted this visit to start off right.

“How so?”

Linda turned a corner before answering, taking a moment to compose her thoughts. “Teddy is staying with us.”

“That’s silly!” Gloria said with a snort. “You barely have enough room for yourselves!”

“The thing is, Ma, he’s not sleeping on the couch. At least, not any more.”

“What are you talking about?”

Linda took another deep breath and then spit it all out as quickly as she could. “Bob and I are dating Teddy and he’s part of the family now and I really, really want you to like him.”

“What?” Gloria exclaimed as Linda pulled into the alley behind the restaurant to park. The younger woman turned off the engine before she answered her mother. Gloria didn’t sound as thrilled as Linda had hoped.

“Bob and I are dating Teddy. We love him. He’s part of the family now.” Linda said more slowly. Gloria frowned deeply back at her daughter, the lines around her mouth looking like angry cat whiskers.

“What do you mean, you’re dating that man? Al!” Gloria shouted back at her husband. Al jumped in his seat, startled awake by his wife’s irritated voice.

“Huh, what?”

“Al, Linda says she and Bob are  _ dating _ some handyman!”

“Oh, oh! Good for her?” Al was clearly disoriented. Linda smiled back at her father before her smile melted into a frown to match Gloria’s own.

“It’s not good! It’s not good, Al!” Gloria said loudly.

Linda tried to reason with her mother. “Ma, you and Dad are swingers. It’s basically the same, except we just stuck with one person.”

“It is  _ not _ the same!” Gloria’s voice took on that special shrillness that meant she was especially annoyed. Linda felt her own ire rising in response. “We don’t bring our partners home!”

“You literally spend every Christmas with the Madisons!” Linda exclaimed with her hands clenched around the steering wheel.

“That’s different.” Gloria said, waving a hand in dismissal. “This  _ Teddy _ , he’s probably just using you to get a place to live. I remember now--you told me last spring he got evicted, didn’t you? I suppose he didn’t even  _ try _ to find another place to live!”

It figured that her mother would suddenly remember who Teddy was now that doing so benefited her low opinion of him. Linda scowled and got out of the car without answering. She helped Al from the back, even as Gloria continued her diatribe. Linda grabbed the bags from the trunk and Gloria kept ranting.

  
‘I love my mother. I love my mother. I love my mother.’ Linda thought to herself as she led the way up the stairs to the apartment. If Linda’s eye twitched a little, that was forgivable. The next week was suddenly looking a lot  _ longer _ than Linda had anticipated, when she’d worn Bob down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've rewatched all of the episodes that feature Al and Gloria in preparation for this fanfiction and Lord, is Gloria grating. I waffled on whether to have Linda chicken out on telling her parents about Teddy (and thus have a "The Birdcage"-esque story) but A) I didn't want to do that to Teddy and B) I honestly don't think that Linda would go that route. While she's willing to lie to avoid embarrassment or to spare her family's feelings (for example, to Gayle), she doesn't strike me as the type to lie when it would HURT someone's feelings. Besides which, Linda honestly expects Al and Gloria to be all right with everything, even if part of that confidence is denial.


End file.
